we're blogging at a bar
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
