false alarm. still invincible.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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