don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize