I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
