Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
