dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he fucked my hip out of place.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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