Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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