This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
