I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
