I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
