I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
