He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
