So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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