Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
