Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
