i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Nobody cheats on THIS.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
