So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
