The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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