My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I need a beard to bite.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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