thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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