Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
