i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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