What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
