I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
