I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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