if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
