i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
