She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
