WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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