1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
