Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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