you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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