Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
