Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
