At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
