I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize