Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
