Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
