I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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