I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I did not marry a roomba.
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