GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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