also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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