I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
