After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
