Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
