A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
