Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
