Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
