oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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