Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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