dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
