K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
