Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The uberlube is also flammable
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
