The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
