Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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