paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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